Painted
by cirobert
Summary: Castiel is a very anxious young man. Even though he's working on his degree in college he can't even bring himself to look outside of his dorm room walls. With help from his life long therapist Missouri he checks into an institution for help. Little did either of them know that he would do more then find help in there, he found Dean.
1. Chapter 1

**1**

Some times Castiel really hated himself. Like when he stuttered through an entire presentation in front of the Faculty of Deans. Or when he made up excuse after excuse to avoid going out to a bar with his room mates instead of explaining that he has extreme social anxiety. But right now, here in this very moment, he hated himself for his weak will. It was a Saturday night where for once he didn't have papers due on Monday morning and instead of going out with his friends, if they could be considered friends, he was laying on his bathroom floor puking his guts out.

It was his final year of his degree and he couldn't even tell you what the inside of the college bar looked like. He hated going anywhere that people might look at him. And because he had inherited his father's rugged good looks people always looked. Castiel wished he had been born a little plainer, maybe then he wouldn't have to avoid both men and women who wanted to take him home. He even tried to make himself less appealing, leaving his black hair messy all the time and dressing in large oversized clothes that made him look like he was starving.

"Yes Castiel, complain about the horrors of being attractive." he sighed to himself as he washed his face in the sink. He wouldn't dare glance in the mirror, he knew that seeing himself would bring on more puking. Even his own body hated him.

"Castiel? Are you ok?" came the soft voice of his co-ed room mate Jo. She was the only one in this whole place who Cas considered himself comfortable around. Maybe because she was just so nice to him.

"Yeah, I'm good Jo. I thought you were out with Benny and Victor?" he asked through the bathroom door.

"I was. But I'm back now." she said and when he opened the door to come out she was looking up at him with concern. Castiel was almost 6 foot so she actually had to crane her neck.

"You were worried about me." Cas said giving her a stern look.

"Of course I was worried about you. You seemed like you were actually going to come this time. And then all of a sudden you're running to the bathroom while telling us to go on ahead." she said following him to his bedroom. Cas flopped down on his bed and covered his eyes with his arm.

"Come on Cas, talk to me. I know you, you can trust me." she said softly sitting next to him and running her hand softly through his hair. This was a recent development for Castiel, he had never been comfortable with other people touching him but with Jo it was comforting. He knew he loved her and that made him uncomfortable as well. Even if it was a plutonic love.

"I'm just so tired Jo." he said moving his arm and looking into that open face of hers. God she was beautiful. And nice, and caring, and funny…

"I think we should call your therapist again." she said gently so as not to spook him. It had only be recent development that Cas had told her about his life long therapy sessions to try and deal with his many psychological problems.

"Its too late, I don't want to bother Missouri." he said shaking his head. Jo's lips thinned with concern but she didn't say anything.

"She said any time Cas, even late." she reminded him.

"I have a session in the morning, I'm sure it'll be fine." he said and rolled onto his side away from her. Jo knew that meant the conversation was over so she got up.

"I'm here if you need me Cas." she said at his doorway.

"Thank you Jo." he said to the wall.


	2. Chapter 2

**2**

"I want you to listen to me Castiel, and I mean listen, not immediately get your hackles up ok?" the soft southern accent that Missouri spoke in washing over Cas and helping to calm him like it always did. She had been the one constant in his life that he actually valued.

"Ok." he said wearily. He had an idea of where this was all going. And it wasn't the first time she had brought it up.

"Its not a mental institution, I know that was your concern with the last place. This is a little more discrete and I've only heard positive things about their programs." Missouri said gently. She handed him a pamphlet and Cas took it with no intention of looking at it.

"They use mainly arts to break through the walls their patients put up. There is a music program, an art programs, writing and poetry classes." she explained.

"But I'll still be locked up in my room at night right? Can't have the crazies wandering the halls." Cas said a little unkindly. He knew Missouri was only trying to help but he hated the idea of being in a place where they treated you like a problematic child. Cas had problems, lots and lots of problems, but he didn't think he was crazy. But did crazy people think they were crazy?

"It looks expensive." Cas said looking at the picture in the front of the brochure. It was a large building with lots of windows and natural lighting. There looks to be many buildings all connected to make one large facility.

"You know the price isn't an issue Castiel. Your father left you enough to make sure of that."

"I some how doubt that Charles would want his entire lifetime of hard work to go towards paying for his son to cope with his craziness." Castiel snorted.

"Stop being unkind Castiel." Missouri scolded him. "I've spoken with you for about self deprecation."

"Sorry." Cas apologized instantly. It was at the very basis of his being to put himself down and no matter how hard Missouri tried it was something Cas just couldn't shake.

"Would you like me to set up a tour for us?" Missouri asked hesitantly. She knew Castiel would fight this tooth and nail but maybe once he saw the place he would at least be open to talking about it. For fifteen years she had been working with him and she was worried that Castiel might never get over his issues.

"I'll think about it." Cas said not looking at her but at his shoes.

"No Castiel, you know I don't take maybe in this office. Yes or no?" she asked him.

Castiel sighed. What harm could a look at the place do? If nothing else it would get him out of this office for a while.

"Ok fine, set it up." he slumped his shoulders in defeat.

"I'm not pressuring you Castiel. I just want to show you that all places aren't the same. They won't treat you like the last place did." she said and Cas instantly tensed at the mention of his last institution.

"I'm sorry Castiel." Missouri instantly apologized and Cas nodded. The rest of the session was quite and strained but by the time Cas stood to go he was feeling better.


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

Why in the hell had he agreed to this? Castiel thought to himself as Missouri pulled them up to the building he recognized from the brochure. It was a little more intimidating in real life, a little easier to see the bars on the windows and a security guard at the gates.

"Missouri…" he said about to tell her to turn around and bring him home.

"We're here Castiel, and we're going in." she said firmly. He sighed and crossed his arms which made him look adorably ridiculous.

"Fine." he sulked. He was being ridiculous, he knew he was. But he decided that if Missouri wanted him in an institution then he could act a little ridiculous.

He sulked the rest of the way up the driveway, he sulked when he followed Missouri in through the large glass doors, he sulked when he was introduced to the head doctors and nurses and therapists and even some of the more stable patients. It wasn't until he was led into a bright sunny room where there were about a dozen people sitting in the sunbeams painting. Then he straightened up and let out a slow surprised breath.

Castiel had never told any one about his love of painting. Instead he had done it in private, quickly and with passion and then destroyed the evidence, including the canvases that he had painted. It killed a little part of his soul every time he watched one of the paintings burn but he knew he couldn't share this part of himself with anyone.

But now here he was watching people paint, some of them well some of them poorly, and his fingers itched to pick up a paint brush.

"How much time do they get to spend in here?" Castiel asked interrupting Missouri talking with the doctor. They both turned to him.

"I'm sorry?" the doctor asked.

"How much time do they get to spend painting? On average." he asked ducking his head and refusing to look at them.

"All day if they want. We don't have schedules here except therapist sessions." the doctor explained.

"Is painting some thing that interests you Castiel?" Missouri asked and Cas shrugged.

"Yes or no Castiel." Missouri scolded him.

"Yes, I like painting." he said finally.

"Come to my office Mr. Novak and we can talk about it some more." the doctor said pleasantly. And as much as Cas wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, he took one look at the blank canvases and nodded his head.


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

Castiel let Jo know he would be going away for a while but other then that he went quietly and quickly into the institution. He let them check his bags, check his body and then they led him down along white hallway to a room. And to his surprise he saw that the room held two beds.

"Uh…" he pulled up short in the doorway. He was looking between both beds and he was instantly regretting his decision to come here.

"You don't have a room mate if that's what you're wondering. There hasn't been anyone else in this room since we released the last patient two weeks ago." the doctor answered his unasked question.

"Ok." he let out a sigh of relief.

Cas settled away in the quiet room but really he was just counting the minutes until the nurse came back to lead him to the painting room. He was practically shivering with excitement and Cas wasn't used to that feeling at all. It was making him nauseous.

"Castiel?" came a voice from the doorway as Cas paced the floor between the two beds. His head immediately shot up and he couldn't stop the grin that spread across face. Something else he wasn't used to feeling.

The nurse led him down the hallway and once he saw the bright room, the blank canvases and the tubes of unopened paint he bolted. He ran to the one nearest the window and grabbed the brush. It felt so good in his hand, so natural, and he smiled again.

"Alright here sugar?" the nurse asked handing him a tube of blue.

"Oh yes." he sighed. He didn't notice the nurse walk away and he didn't notice any of the other patients, all he knew was the canvas in front of him and the paint in his hands. Castiel had finally found his happy place.


End file.
